I put this story in the category of ‘You Need to find new friends, bud’. And so, this tale is neither to embellish the events nor shame the disaster of all of this story. I am not laughing (ehhh) nor am I glorifying someone’s misfortune. However, Mel Brooks did say that “Tragedy is when I get a paper cut and comedy is when someone falls into a ditch and dies”. And this man, who misfortune befell to him, was in his 30s, shoulda known better and certainly needed to make new friends.

Five years ago, this week, I found myself working at Hennessey’s at the end of the Hermosa Beach Pier. I was the man in charge that Friday night and, as such, spent most of my evening dealing with the security staff and the patrons at the front door. Pretty cushy work if you can get it.

Around 11:30 P.M., my door man and I heard a piercing scream emanating from fifty yards east of our position. We turned and saw a man sprint from a bar (I’ll leave the name out) down the Pier, screaming and yelling and waving his hands as another man chased after him. The man screaming had an orange hue surrounding his head. My door guy and I raced down to the bar to aid, but more than that, see what the hell was going on. As we reached the man, he was writhing on the ground as the man who chased after him was STOMPING with his boot, the man upon the ground. Stomping his face. We dragged the kicker off the man on the ground and realized the victim’s face was on fire and the kicker was attempting to put out the fire.

Okay. Let’s back track a little. I went inside the bar, as a befuddled EMT unit attempted to take care of this burn victim. The bar security informed me of the what’s and the how’s of how the man’s face was ablaze. The young man was partying with his soon to be ex-girlfriend and his soon to be ex-best friend. The victim in question had an untidy beard upon his chin. This is an important fact. They were going to toast with shots of Bacardi 151. Now, for those of you not familiar with this beverage, 151 stands for the Alcohol Proof of the Bacardi and that means that the Rum is 75.5 % pure alcohol. It is a potent potable. Flammable.

These geniuses decided to light the 151 on fire. The soon to be victim, with his soon to be ex-girlfriend and soon to be ex-best friend, raised their shot glasses, ablaze, to cheers. Somehow, someway, the bearded guy accidentally (I assume accidentally) lit his beard on fire. Yes, he lit his beard on fire.

Now, any number of solutions stood before the soon to be ex-girlfriend. As she saw her man’s face catch fire, she choose the wrong solution. She decided to literally fight fire with fire. She tossed the flaming contents of her shot glass onto her boyfriends burning beard. I don’t know what level of education she had attained; I don’t know what she school she attended nor do I know her profession. But if they are not teaching that alcohol is NOT the proper way to extinguish fire in the curriculum, then wiser heads need to take charge of the education system.

The Fantastic Four joke is too obvious for me to use. Anyway, so obviously the burgeoning fire upon the young man’s face became a four-alarm fire the second Pyromaniac Polly doused her soon to be ex-boyfriend with flaming alcohol. And Still, no one reached for a glass of water. The burning man decided that running into the chill of December was his best course of action. Maybe he was running from his nitwit friends and I cannot argue with that decision. I can’t say he was wrong because I’ve never lit my face on fire and had a girlfriend fan the flames with booze.

Which brings us to when I reached the scene and the victim’s soon to be ex-best friend was putting out the burning flames by going Bobby Deniro and kicking his soon to be ex-best friend in the face. Repeatedly. Thank God the Hermosa Beach FD arrived quickly otherwise this horrific accident would have been potentially fatal. Despite the friends best efforts to absolutely turn him into a human torch, the young man eventually made a full recovery (I’m told).

In conclusion, what is to be learned from this? A) one should probably not do shots of Bacardi 151 and/or if one does, do not light the 151 on fire. B) beards should always be trimmed for you never know when a fire attack may occur. C) alcohol DOES NOT PUT OUT FIRE. And D) well, I guess that’s all I learned from that experience. You need to find new friends, bud.